is something i am struggling w/. a lot. it is giving me great pain and great mental grief as i struggle w/ how to deal w/ it. i have owned it, mostly, i think. i see that i have it, that i have benefit from it, and that has left me wondering…
where the fuck do i go from here?
i am currently dealing w/ my heterosexual privilege. i am divorced. it was a nightmare. the subject of marriage has left me a little jumpy, until recent events in my life have made me realize that i may have to suck it up and do it if i want to keep my family intact. b/f anyone says “oh boo hoo” to me, let me point out what i am getting at. i am perfectly happy in my life the way that it is. i have known no relationship that is even in the same ball park as what i have now as far as respect and commitment go. things are good, and nigh perfect. if there was a mental image of what a relationship b/t a man and a woman should be in my head i have achieved it.
but there are forces greater than us at work, and we are looking at being forced into marrying to keep this the way it is. it doesn’t need to happen for us in our relationship (i can’t stress that enough), but the military and other things are going to force our hand. then, in addition to that, i have my political reasons for not wanting to marry. there are people out there in relationships as committed and as loving as ours, and they will never face this problem, b/c they are not allowed to. they are told that they can not get married, and are going to face the same problems that marriage would solve for us.
and that is where our privilege comes to play. i have a solution before me that a lot of people i know and love do not. despite my self perceived LGBTQ ally mindset, privilege gives me an option that is not available to the very people that i want to align w/ and fight along side. so where does that leave me? does getting married to a person whom i love and respect and who gives the same in return weaken my stance as an ally to my LGBTQ friends? am i being a hypocrite?
***
and i have white privilege. i have to qualify that statement, b/c anyone in my family who reads this blog would tell me otherwise, since i am a registered, card carrying, voting member of a Native American tribe. i grew up on a reservation. but my skin is the acceptable shade that tells me i am perceived as white. i pass for white, and i realize that this has given me privilege where other people would not receive the same. i become slightly indignant when i get called a “white girl”, especially back on the res, or here in Hawai’i, but at the end of the day, i know it’s true. if perception is everything, and Native or not, i am perceived as being white, then i must be benefitting from it, whether i know it or not. and all the protestation or or outrage are not going to change that, the same that feeling guilty about it is not going to make it better.
i want very much to be an ally for POC. i get squirmy and uncomfortable reading the great blogs that deal w/ race issues, b/c i resent being called white and told that i have privilege, and i am finding myself avoiding the discussion b/c i don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. i recognize that it is my problem, that my own whiteness, real or otherwise, has allowed me to opt out of paying attention and really putting myself out there in these discussions. my uncomfortable feeling w/ racial issues is something i need to work out.
i am uncomfortable writing about race issues, and it something i want to do more of, but i need to figure out how i do that w/o lessening the work of the POC, especially WOC since i consider this a feminist blog. i need to find out how to stand beside them w/o trying to put them in my shadow, and at the same time i want to be able to stand up for my own racial issues, especially for Native American women. i have never identified as a white woman, but the world around me often tells me that i am, despite the heritage i grew up in and around.
but i need to know where to start.
i am educating myself. i have for some time been lurking around a few sites that i find enlightening, like Having Read the Fine Print, and Angry Black Bitch, and Angry Black Woman. i am looking for more blogs by and for Native American women. i am forcing myself to read things that make me uncomfortable, b/c i have been able to not look for too long. the truth is, though, at the end of the day, it isn’t enough, not for me. i know it isn’t anyone’s job to educate me, but i feel that i need an ally in becoming an ally. i am hoping to get in there and figure out what my place is in the world of racial issues.
owning my privilege is a very good first step, or so i am told. it feels like a tiny drop in the bucket (or a teaspoon in the ocean, if you will). i have always been aware of racism, and sexism, and homophobia (whatever -ism goes w/ that…see? i have so much to learn) and have always wanted to fight against it. it is something that i guess i am going to have to figure out for myself, and hopefully, when i get there, there will be room for me. hopefully i will find myself in a place where i will be welcomed as an ally, and not seen as trying to tote my (real or not) whiteness and swoop in all white and straight and saving the day. that is not my intent, here or anywhere. it is my intent, as a progressive thinking woman to do what i can to further the cause of human and civil rights. people are people, and we all deserve to be treated that way.
i do give this promise, i will add the sites where i have been lurking to my blogroll, even though they get more traffic than i do. i want the few who wander here to possibly check them out, and hopefully examine themselves as they read them. i will strive to write about more than sexism. i don’t know where to start, but i am going to work on that too. if i am offensive or i go about something the wrong way, call me out on that shit, but please, give me the benefit of that doubt of not knowing better yet, and hold me accountable to the change. i don’t think i can be as bad as i think i am, but it is a learning and growing process for me.
the fact that you can look at these things in yourself proves you are on a road that will help not only you but so many others.
I’m having trouble with my own priviledge too. The weird part is that I am a WOC (but mixed race, which does make a difference), yet grew up in white culture, so I assume it, I take it, I make people who might not otherwise treat me as they would any white person, give it to me. How? By acting as if I didn’t have a clue I don’t have that priviledge.
Which has, I’ve come to realize, unintended consequences. Frex, it never occurred to me that there was white priviledge in the Fatosphere. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but there it is. The Feminist thing, sure, that’s just obvious. The Hetero thing, I have to admit that while I can’t forget about it due to friends who can’t do some things even in my conservatively liberal home state, I can put to one side. It’s not fair, and it’s not nice, but there it is.
The there are the more hidden priviledges that I take for granted, such as being able to walk into a store that has a few steps to the entrance, or being healthy, heck, just being able to buy organic meat…
…all of which is my long winded way of saying, Yeah, I know where you’re coming from.
Oro~ yeah, like i said, i am really a WOC myself, of mixed heritage, but i am perceived as white, so there it is, i must be. my mother moved us away from the res when i was relatively young, but not b/f i remember the way life was for the people there that weren’t as lucky as i was. i still remember people i went to school w/ having no indoor plumbing and dirt floors.
i also worked my way into middle class privilege being in the military, a pretty big step up from the barely scraping single mother on reservation land that i was only four years ago. i also have the privilege of a great support system, both back in Michigan, and here w/ the Guy, and our housemates. i have the privilege of sending my Kid to a private school, even on a scholarship, and working my ass off to pay the rest, and do enough volunteering to keep the scholarship for her, but it’s there.
even w/ the fibro, i have the privilege of being mostly healthy, and on some days i am feeling well, and i can take for granted walking wherever i want to, something i painfully think about on the not so good days.
glad i am not the only person there and thinking about these things right now. i think this whole thing w/ BFP and the issues in the ‘sphere right now kind of made me reevaluate myself and my view. i have been working on it, but it made me realize that i have a long way to go.
and Pido, as usual, thanks for the supportive thoughts. i haven’t come far enough, but i need to make sure i am looking at this the right way b/f i go further.
Hi, I came here from Feministe.
The -ism you’re looking for is heterosexism, I think ; ). Great post. It’s interesting – personally I practically glow in the dark, so there’s no mistaking my skin color, but I read another blog post a while back (I wish I could remember where, it was just something I stumbled across) with a woman saying that although she’s of European descent, she randomly has dark enough skin that people deny her white privilege. It’s just interesting how much it really is about perception. Then again, though, your family history has a lot to do with privilege from institutionalized racism, because that accrues over generations.
I need to take some time to think about heterosexual privilege, too. But Orodemniades, I don’t like the idea of calling health and the absence of disability a privilege. I know very little about the disability movement, but I don’t think they want us to feel bad that they can’t walk or whatever; I think their problem is that people react to us better *because* we can walk.
J19, I hear what you’re saying about the disability movement, and I agree that it’s not about them wanting us to feel bad, etc (well, mostly, I’m sure
). It’s the little things like being able to go into stores that have stairs at their entrances (especially prevalent in the UK – I remember seeing a report where wheelchair bound folks had to go to Heathrow to have a drink because of stairs at their local pub), or not being able to open doors, heck, even the height of sinks and store counters…little stuff that no one ever thinks about until they have to.
if i am offensive or i go about something the wrong way, call me out on that shit, but please, give me the benefit of that doubt of not knowing better yet, and hold me accountable to the change. i don’t think i can be as bad as i think i am, but it is a learning and growing process for me.
I think that, and your efforts to read widely and educate yourself, are important first steps. The biggest barrier that I’ve found in talking to people in RL about sexism, heterosexism, and poverty, is that they’re unwilling to be self-reflective and examine their own privileges when they make mistakes. A willingness to read and listen may not seem like much, but they’re the foundation on which everything else is built.
I’ve been trying to read more widely and especially read WOC lately, too, because I want to know more and I want to be involved. I’m second-generation Korean and so their fight is my fight–I’ve just been insulated from it by class privilege. Reading doesn’t seem like much on face, but I’ve found that it’s the gateway to activism in the real world: blogswarms, writing letters, contacting representatives, finding volunteer opportunities I never knew existed.
but I don’t think they want us to feel bad that they can’t walk or whatever; I think their problem is that people react to us better *because* we can walk.
J19, the better reaction is a form of privilege. A quiet, hidden form of privilege is just being treated as normal and not having to think about things constantly because you and I are able-bodied. It’s not having to think about things such as “does this building have an elevator?” (something I wondered about when I was apartment hunting–I looked at six different buildings and every single one had a flight of stairs from the street to the entrance, and no ramp.)
Great post, O.
I had to struggle with the marriage issue, too. Because Iain is British, and because neither of us had a job that made us suitable for work visas, the only way we could be together was if we got married. I had some serious angst about that for the same reasons; when I mentioned it to my best friend Todd and his then-partner of more than a decade, they just laughed in disbelief. They couldn’t believe I’d even thought about it that way. Todd’s response was, approximately: “Your consideration of our inequality will make more of a difference toward our getting equality than your not marrying Iain would.” Which was very generous of him — and I think good guidance in must-do situations like yours or mine.
If I hadn’t had to get married, I wouldn’t have. But I did guarantee one more eventual vote for marriage equality by marrying him, too!
Wow! thank-you everyone for the discussion here!
Melissa, especially, b/c i really really needed to hear that just now. there are a lot of issues involved, some that i really don’t want to post in an open forum like this, but things that marriage would solve for us…and it has been really heavy on my heart and conscience. thank-you.
Oro and Pizza, thank-you, you said exactly what i was going to when i got home from work. i think disabled people don’t want to be pitied, who does? but they deserve to be considered in things like being able to enter public buildings and go to pubs like everyone else. on my bad days, two or three stairs are almost more than i can handle. on good days, i try to be very conscious of the world the way i saw it on the bad days. does that make sense?
I don’t know if I was clear, but absolutely, not having to think about accessibility issues is a form of privilege, and being treated better for not having a disability is too. I may have misunderstood at first, but I was just trying to distinguish not having a disability, which I don’t consider a privilege in the sense we’re talking about, from the unfair and changeable privileges that derive from not having a disability.
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I really relate to how you feel. I resent being called “white” as well, because I am half-Asian. But my skin is light and I was raised in the States and I speak perfect English. I don’t consider myself white, but in my heart, I also know that I don’t truly think of myself as a WOC, either. Like you said, if others perceive of me as white, then I MUST be benefitting somehow.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts with all of us. It’s very encouraging to me; I will be reading and reflecting and learning as well and it’s helpful to know that there are others who feel the same way.
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